Sorry for not writing earlier - our house has been suffering from a nasty bout of the stomach flu.
At hubby's birthday party over the weekend it just happened that three of the female guests were in the early stages of pregnancy (clearly I've reached that age where all you peers start sprouting). Conversation of course focused on morning sickness, heartburn, sciatica, sleeping and all the other joys of pregnancy. Anyway it reminded me of one of the things (and there were many. Maaany many many. So many I should probably start a new blog for them...) that really put my back up during pregnancy and still does now that I'm a parent. It's the "just wait" person.
5 week pregnant me: I haven't had any morning sickness. Maybe I won't get it. I'm pretty resilient to stomach issues.
JW person responds: oh JUST WAIT until week 7. Then it really kicks in. You think you are DYING. Mine was so bad I threw up at *insert inappropriate location* and it went on and on for the full pregnancy blah blah.
How is this information useful to me at 5 weeks?
Me at 6 months: oh my god I'm so fat I've put on 20kgs already and I'm only 2/3 of the way there
JW person: JUST WAIT until the last trimester. I put on ALL my pregnancy weight then (yah all 12 kgs you smug bitch f&ck off)
Listen - I KNOW I'm huge. Telling me I am going to get MORE huge is not helping anyone here!
And my favourite, when James was 10 days old, we wrapped him up warmly, popped him in his babysense pouch and floated off to a friend's birthday party. Warmed by the glow of new parenthood we gazed adoringly as one combined family unit at our bundle of joy and informed the guests that he slept like an angel with 6 hours between feeds.
But of course: JUST WAIT until the 3 week mark. All babies sleep for the first 2 weeks and then the proverbial (and actual) poo really hits the fan and you can kiss the idea of more than 90 minutes of sleep goodbye.
Why would you share this? What possible benefit could I derive from knowing life is about to go (more) pear shaped?
What kind of sicko people are we that we feel the need to torture our friends and family members with the horrors to come? Is it payback? Like the way I march up to students in shopping centres wearing my old high school uniform with no blazer? Ok I don't actually but I really really reeeeally want to...
So to all you pregnant people out there, here are my 3 top tips:
1. Get laser in hospital if you're breastfeeding (no disrespect if you aren't though. Whatever works for you is great.)
2. If it ain't broke, don't fix it - if baby wants/doesn't want a dummy, will/won't breastfeed, sleeps 20 mins / 2 hours at a time and is happy and healthy leave it and baby the fek alone! And
3. Always remember "this too shall pass"
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Vomit Comet
Indeed not wise to gloat to soon. My champion sleeper has morphed into a vomit comet with a post nasal drip that results in coughing, gagging, choking and then projectile vomit. What joy! Is it child abuse to make your 6 month old eat, sleep and play in a bath tub for 48 hours...?
I must admit though my heart breaks for the little guy. He is such a trooper giving big toothless smiles at his parents between nausea episodes when you just know he feels like death. What a champion.
Once again I wonder where that pesky manual is though. At what point does the pendulum switch from paranoid clingon parent to blasé blunderer? I am assuming a temperature under 39 negates the need for a doctor but let's see how this weekend plays out...
I must admit though my heart breaks for the little guy. He is such a trooper giving big toothless smiles at his parents between nausea episodes when you just know he feels like death. What a champion.
Once again I wonder where that pesky manual is though. At what point does the pendulum switch from paranoid clingon parent to blasé blunderer? I am assuming a temperature under 39 negates the need for a doctor but let's see how this weekend plays out...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Fear and loathing in the suburbs
I find these days that my night time emotions consist predominantly of "fear" and "loathing"
Fear: the constant terror that James will wake up. And not go back to sleep with just his dummy. Will want to a) eat, b) poop or worse still (!) c) play. This emotion is most prevalent between 4 and 5 am as a a 4.30 wake up call is usually tickets. So of couse I wake up most nights around 4am and lie in fear listening for James. Not very smart since that's valuable sleep time!
Loathing: this is really the loathing I feel for my poor unsuspecting spouse as I creep through to the nursery every night and he lies in bed snoring. It's at this point that I seriously consider hacking off one of my husband's limbs with an axe. I reckon I could absolutely get away with it if I could just source a jury of new moms.
On the up side James slept straight through from 6.45pm to 5.45am last night despite refusing his bedtime bottle and two unheard of monster naps yesterday. Hurrah! The tide has turned? Probably not wise to gloat to soon...
Fear: the constant terror that James will wake up. And not go back to sleep with just his dummy. Will want to a) eat, b) poop or worse still (!) c) play. This emotion is most prevalent between 4 and 5 am as a a 4.30 wake up call is usually tickets. So of couse I wake up most nights around 4am and lie in fear listening for James. Not very smart since that's valuable sleep time!
Loathing: this is really the loathing I feel for my poor unsuspecting spouse as I creep through to the nursery every night and he lies in bed snoring. It's at this point that I seriously consider hacking off one of my husband's limbs with an axe. I reckon I could absolutely get away with it if I could just source a jury of new moms.
On the up side James slept straight through from 6.45pm to 5.45am last night despite refusing his bedtime bottle and two unheard of monster naps yesterday. Hurrah! The tide has turned? Probably not wise to gloat to soon...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sleep - or the lack there of it
James has started a delightful new habit of sleeping from 7 to 1am and then waking up hourly. And not just so that we can quickly pop a dummy in - no he wants the Full Monty. Lullabies, rocking, knee dips you name it. I think I may be being punished for being so smug about his excellent sleeping habits at last weeks moms and babies group!
On the upside, on the evening of the day after James' first night of horror I lay in bed next to dh (who had scored a full 8 hours of sleep the night before) and gave full vent to my bottled up spleen. Now to be fair hubbie has to go to work in the morning in order for me to stay home all day and be with James so the tacit understanding (ok not so tacit - stated!) is that I will get up to deal with James. On roughly 5 hours of broken sleep though my agreement has gone out the window and what followed was a rather heated exchange which included all manner of unrelated sins regarding plumbing, gardening and picture hanging (guys I have no idea why we woman compound an original argument with all other minute transgressions but we do so best deal.) Having thrown every possible grievance at dh I fell asleep leaving him seething. So much so that he got up for every. single. noise. Yeah baby. So I had a glorious night of sleep. Followed by a day with much apologising.
If only I'd known that exaggerated accusations provoked that reaction I'd have used them years ago! I'm working on my next topic. It will either be laundry or dishes. How far do you think I can ride this...?
On the upside, on the evening of the day after James' first night of horror I lay in bed next to dh (who had scored a full 8 hours of sleep the night before) and gave full vent to my bottled up spleen. Now to be fair hubbie has to go to work in the morning in order for me to stay home all day and be with James so the tacit understanding (ok not so tacit - stated!) is that I will get up to deal with James. On roughly 5 hours of broken sleep though my agreement has gone out the window and what followed was a rather heated exchange which included all manner of unrelated sins regarding plumbing, gardening and picture hanging (guys I have no idea why we woman compound an original argument with all other minute transgressions but we do so best deal.) Having thrown every possible grievance at dh I fell asleep leaving him seething. So much so that he got up for every. single. noise. Yeah baby. So I had a glorious night of sleep. Followed by a day with much apologising.
If only I'd known that exaggerated accusations provoked that reaction I'd have used them years ago! I'm working on my next topic. It will either be laundry or dishes. How far do you think I can ride this...?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tracksuit pants in public
I have been looking forward to James joining a mothers and babies group for a while. I'm not really sure what I expected from it, possibly an immediate group of like minded mommy friends but more likely 2 hours where someone or something else entertains James.
As a result on Thursday morning I leapt out of bed and flung my cupboard doors wide to survey my options. Ok I actually crawled out of bed at around 5 to shove a dummy in James' mouth before trying to hide under a pillow in the hope that my husband would miraculously grow boobs and be forced to feed James but let's stick to the leaping for now.
What would it be? Sissy Boy Jeans, Monsoon frilly top and some Kurt Geiger platforms should complete the Yummy Mummy look I was going for. The extra 15odd kgs attached to my frame however felt otherwise. 2 dummy runs, a size 40 pair of Woolies tracksuit pants and an old pregnancy top and I at least was ready. My Sissy Boy size 34 jeans smirked back at me but with an Aero in my hand for breakfast I knew where they could stick it. Right diet starts today. Straight after breakfast.
Clearly it behoved me to dress James up in his best clothing. If I was going to arrive dressed like I lived in a trailor he would have to carry the team. It's a heavy responsibility for a 5 month old but he's very advanced. I know this you see because I am his mother and all mothers know their children are advanced. I digress.
Decked out in his Sunday best we arrived at the class only 15 minutes late and secured the last beanbag with what looked like a cactus ball on it. James was suitably unfazed and began to eat the ball and fart loudly. The other mothers looked at the newcomers with a faint aura of hostility.
90 minutes later though I must admit it was well worth it. James had a ball. We left covered in some sort of non dairy cream and sand in all his crevices. There was a fair amount of cream in my hair too. I looked at the other mommies in the class - at least 2 of which were in designer jeans and stilletos as they gingerly held their babies over the sandpit and tried to avoid contact and thought that maybe, just this once, tracksuit pants were worth it.
As a result on Thursday morning I leapt out of bed and flung my cupboard doors wide to survey my options. Ok I actually crawled out of bed at around 5 to shove a dummy in James' mouth before trying to hide under a pillow in the hope that my husband would miraculously grow boobs and be forced to feed James but let's stick to the leaping for now.
What would it be? Sissy Boy Jeans, Monsoon frilly top and some Kurt Geiger platforms should complete the Yummy Mummy look I was going for. The extra 15odd kgs attached to my frame however felt otherwise. 2 dummy runs, a size 40 pair of Woolies tracksuit pants and an old pregnancy top and I at least was ready. My Sissy Boy size 34 jeans smirked back at me but with an Aero in my hand for breakfast I knew where they could stick it. Right diet starts today. Straight after breakfast.
Clearly it behoved me to dress James up in his best clothing. If I was going to arrive dressed like I lived in a trailor he would have to carry the team. It's a heavy responsibility for a 5 month old but he's very advanced. I know this you see because I am his mother and all mothers know their children are advanced. I digress.
Decked out in his Sunday best we arrived at the class only 15 minutes late and secured the last beanbag with what looked like a cactus ball on it. James was suitably unfazed and began to eat the ball and fart loudly. The other mothers looked at the newcomers with a faint aura of hostility.
90 minutes later though I must admit it was well worth it. James had a ball. We left covered in some sort of non dairy cream and sand in all his crevices. There was a fair amount of cream in my hair too. I looked at the other mommies in the class - at least 2 of which were in designer jeans and stilletos as they gingerly held their babies over the sandpit and tried to avoid contact and thought that maybe, just this once, tracksuit pants were worth it.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
First Introduction
Right so here's the opening blog.
I'm a 29 year old, married mother to one adorable baby boy born on the 30th April 2010. I say adorable because most of the time he's pretty amazing. The rest of the time less so.
I gave up a fast paced and lucrative career in the world of finance in order to stay home and raise my son James. So far I'm enjoying myself. His daily routine leaves little time for boredom however I have to a certain extent used my newfound role of a stay at home mom (SAHM -learn the lingo people) as an outlet for my inate competitiveness and ambition. Thus the dawn of the quest for Yummy Mummy.
Unfortunately motherhood tends to run less like a boardroom than expected and more like a Where's Wally book. I.e complete chaos, mild nausea and the overwhelming feeling that you're missing something. This blog is about my first foray into motherhood - whilst attempting to keep my Jimmy Choos on.
I'm a 29 year old, married mother to one adorable baby boy born on the 30th April 2010. I say adorable because most of the time he's pretty amazing. The rest of the time less so.
I gave up a fast paced and lucrative career in the world of finance in order to stay home and raise my son James. So far I'm enjoying myself. His daily routine leaves little time for boredom however I have to a certain extent used my newfound role of a stay at home mom (SAHM -learn the lingo people) as an outlet for my inate competitiveness and ambition. Thus the dawn of the quest for Yummy Mummy.
Unfortunately motherhood tends to run less like a boardroom than expected and more like a Where's Wally book. I.e complete chaos, mild nausea and the overwhelming feeling that you're missing something. This blog is about my first foray into motherhood - whilst attempting to keep my Jimmy Choos on.
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